What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

You already told her twice, You better not have to tell her again.

Posted By: Rot Bottom

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

You already told her twice, You better not have to tell her again.

GASP

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning.He told Bush that three Brazillian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazment, all of the color drained from Bush's face. Then, he collapsed on his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken. Finally, he composed himself enough and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactally how much is a brazillian?"

haha. ha.

HAHA!!!! I gotta remember that one!

I've told it to three of my friends...
I had to explain it to every one.
it made me sad, really.
After they had said "that's stupid", they went to the "spell 'I Cup'" joke.
*sigh*

They're really all very smart...just easily entertained.
Pissed me off that they didn't get it, though! lol

The worm joke reminded me of a joke.
but it's horrible and not funny.
And totally racist.
It's about Jewish people. A kid in my math class was telling me it and I looked shocked and he asked if I was Jewish. I told him I was. The poor boy almost cried. I almost kicked him in the crotch.

This made me laugh today:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her
and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh . . .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

This joke is inconsistent at the start, but every time my friends come across someone who hadn't heard it before they ask me to tell it again. Remember, it's a joke; any massive exaggeration of slight trends in a communtiy is done solely in the name of humour.

There was trouble in Rome, and many people blamed the resident Jews for it. So, in an effort to try and make them leave, the Pope challenged the head Rabbi to a competition. The Pope would ask the Rabbi three questions, and if he got them all right, the Jews could stay. However, if he got one wrong, they had to leave.
There was a problem, though- the Pope spoke no Hebrew, and the Rabbi spoke no Latin. So, they decide to argue in the only language they both knew - Australian Sign Language.
So it's the big day. The Coliseum's filled with spectators and the pope and the Rabbi are standing on lecterns in the middle, and it begins.
For the fist question, the Pope makes a sweeping gesture. In response, the Rabbi points to himself.
For the second question, the pope holds up one finger. The Rabbi holds up two.
The Pope's a little worried by this point, because the Rabbi has got everything right so far, so he reaches into his robes and pulls out an orange. The Rabbi pulls out a piece of flat Turkish bread.
The Pope faints.
Later that evening, back at the Vatican, everyone was miserable, but eventually someone plucks up the courage to ask the Pope, "What were you saying?"
"Well, first I said, 'God is all around us.' But he answered, 'But God is also in our hearts.
"Then I said 'There is only one God.' And he answered, 'Ah, but we must not forget the Son and the Holy Spirit.'
"I was worried by then, since he had got them all right, so I turned to science. I asked, 'What do you say to the fools who think the world is round like this orange?' And he replied, 'It is flat like this piece of bread.'"
Now back at the Rabbi's house, everybody is celebrating because they don't have to leave, but eventually soeone asks, "But what were you saying?"
The Rabbi answered, "That was stupid. First he said, 'You go away.' So I said, 'No, we stay here.' Then he said, 'I poke your eye out!' So I answered, 'I poke BOTH your eyes out!' And then he showed me what he was having for lunch, so I showed him what I was having for lunch!"

When I first heard that last one the characters were Bubba Smith -- the HoF Baltimore Colt DE -- and Dick and Pat Nixon.

Edit: Bubba may have been a DT, actually. As I recall, he was the first 300 lb star in the NFL.

That reminds me of this one time I took a taxi in Boston...

Ha!!! Good one!

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Ha! Good one!

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

Ha... Good one!

Time for some blonde jokes!

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
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Q: What did the blond customer say after reading the buxom waitress' name tag?

A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?''
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Here's one more, but I warn you, it's pretty funny!:

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.

So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

I like the skeleton one. It made me happy inside :)

Posted By: NI17EG

There were a number of elderly men in the park, as there often were. One day they decided

I'm sorry. I stopped reading at this point. Can somebody tell me if this joke is funny enough to actually read? Kthnx

It's okay. I actually read it all. I was just trying to see if I could defy your (implied) belief that people can't refuse to read your jokes and actually be quite rude, online.

Posted By: NI17EG

"I don't understand why I'm so tired! I know I only slept 4 hours last night, but it worked completely fine for the last 8 nights!"

Now this IS funny.

There were a lot of kind of lame, and yet still funny, jokes told recently among my friends....

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: Fssssssssssssshhhhhhhhh.....

Q: What is green with red wheels?
A: Grass. I was just kidding about the red wheels.

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

hey..
Did you hear the one about the Cannibal who passed his brother in the forest?

...you should, its a real gas...

Noone ever understands my jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping in a field. Holmes wakes up in the night, looks up at the sky and thinks. Shortly after, Watson wakes up. Holmes looks at Watson and says, "Look up at the sky Watson and tell me what you can see."
Watson replies "I see billions of stars."
Holmes replies, "And what does this tell you?"
Watson says, "Well meteorologically speaking I can tell it will be a fine day tomorrow. Chronologically speaking I can tell it is half past three. Philosophically speaking I can tell that there are billions of stars, surrounding them billions of planets, some of which will hold life. Finally, astrologically, Gemini is in the ascension therefore you will meet someone very special soon Holmes. Why what does it tell you?"
Holmes looks up thoughtfully and says "Watson...

someones stolen our tent!!!"

3 old women are sitting on a bench when a man jumps out from behind a bush and flashes them. 2 of the women immediately have a stroke. The other one can't quite reach.

A plane crashes in the sea and 49 blondes and a brunette have to be airlifted away. However one of them has to let go of the rope they are clinging to because there's too much weight. The brunette makes a speech about how she will sacrifice herself to save the others. The blondes are so impressed they clap.

I was walking across a bridge one day when I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Dont do it"
"Why shouldn't I" he said.
I said "Well there's so much to live for!"
He said "Like what?"
I said "Well are you religious or atheist?"
He said "Religious."
"Wow! Me too! Are you christian or muslim?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God or Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said "DIE, HERETIC SCUM!!" and pushed him off.

Well done if you read all of all of them.

The last one is a paraphrase of an Emo Phillips joke.

A muslim, a buddhist and a christian agreed to jump off a cliff to see which one has the real God capable of saving their lives.
Off jump the buddhist, crossed his legs and started chanting "ummmmmm". He amazingly floats and land scratch free.
Off jump the muslim shouting "Allah save me". Brain splattered to the groud! Dead.
Off jump the christian praying out loud "Jesus save me" halfway through still nothing happened so he cross his legs and started chanting "ummmmmmm"......

Jesus loves you (naked)

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a dumbass.